Survivor Picks - Week Five

Relevant Games:
12:00
Chiefs at Colts
Buccaneers at Bengals

3:15
Titans at Cowboys
Chargers at Raiders

Week 4 Power Rankings

I'll fill in this week since Bobo is still licking his wounds from another lackluster performance. Have you seen this guys running backs? If his running backs were a Hollywood career, they would be the equivalent of a Carrot Top AT&T commercial. If his running backs were a stock they would be Knight Trimark/Knight Capital Group. If his running backs were a movie it would be Corky Romano. Ok, I digress.

1. Optimo 55 Souf (4-0; prev:1). At this point in the season ole Dollars and Cents clearly has the best team in the league. His running backs are bosses and Arian Foster is looking like an early season MVP. Only weak spot might be at tight end. We need injuries to bring this team back to the pack....either injuries or week 7-13 when Mr. Rediculous has gone a combined 0-14 the past two seasons. He won't be doing The Dougie for long.

2. $2 six inch (3-1; prev:2). The $2 whore survived AP's bye week, and when you have a player like him out of the lineup that's all you can ask for. His starting lineup looked rather inept, but he scored just enough to outlast his "competition," for lack of a better word. Running back depth may be a problem down the road if the Bears continue to play keep away from Forte, but AP will more than make up for it.

3. Favre's Flip Flops (2-2; prev:3). This team got rocked by injuries in Week 3, and being forced to start an inactive Andre Johnson ultimately was the difference in losing his second in a row. This team is solid and should continue to push towards that coveted playoff berth for the Fightin' John Kerry's.

4. Whoopass (3-1; prev:6). I'm not really sure what to make of this team, but the record speaks for itself. Maybe dropping Jason Witten wasn't such a bad move after all. If Marques Colston would pull his head out of his ass and Stephen Jackson can avoid the annual injury, I expect to see Mr. Whoopie towards the top half of the standings for most of the year.

5. WOLFPACK (2-1-1; prev: 4). That sound you just heard was The Joseph beginning to freak out about the potential collapse of his team. Things don't look horrible yet, but if nagging injuries to his running backs continue to be an issue, you can all expect The Joseph to work the lines and get some blockbuster trades lined up. And that my friends, is when this league starts to get fun.

6. Tom Izzo's Football Camp (1-3; prev:5). The Football Camp scores a lot of points, but comes up empty. I've got a joke for you: Mike Sims-Walker. Too soon? This squad needs Pruitt to deliver the facilityone.com manila folder to Chris Johnson and his receivers to get them back on track for Izzo.

7. Los Peros Grandes (2-2; prev: 8). Able to manage a 2-2 start with both his starting receivers yet to put together a complete game. The Monday Night performance by Rickie Williams combined with the recent trade of Marshawn Lynch to the Seahawks has to have the Pero feeling like a dog off the leash. I'm sure only Spanish will now be heard this week from 209 Arlington Ave.

8. Grenade (2-2; prev:9). The Grenade Launcher got the victory this week thanks in large(maybe in-all) part to Terrell Owens. He was due for a breakout game and delivered one. The running back position has to be a cause for concern, but this active GM is sure to make a move to improve things shortly. I believe Martinez may have a few missed calls already.

9. Knight Trimark (2-2; prev:7). This team is performing just like the stock itself. Peaking early, and crashing down as soon as it's bought back on that glorious lunch period at NCHS in 1999 . The running back situation is putrid for Sir Knight, and rooting for injuries to other team's starting running backs is not something this GM is proud of. With that said, things could finally pan out with the Michael Bush Experiment.

10. Curtis Enis Revival (1-3; prev:10). Where do we start? This team takes one step forward and two back. He eclipses the 90 point mark this week, but also loses Steve Smith for the near future. Willis McGahee will get the starting nod this week, that is not a typo. The constant Shonn Greene roasting has got to take it's toll on this GM, he may be better off dropping Shonn Greene for Ahman Green.

11. Prone Cobras (0-3-1; prev:11). What looked like a safe and sound victory was snatched away by the former Hoosier, BenJarvisGreenEllis on Monday night. One more yard by a pathetic Ronnie Brown would have given Mr. Cobra his first victory of the year. Injuries and Alex Smith avoiding Michael Crabtree have hurt this team, but things can't get much worse from this point.

12. The IFF (1-3; prev:12). The Pittsburgh Pirates of The Joseph. Bobo may be rethinking his draft strategy....but then again, it may have been worse had Zinski not grabbed Shonn Greene in the first round and Bobo would have been stuck with his useless ass. IFF's running back situation now that McCoy is out is as bad as Cuba Gooding Jr's acting career post Jerry Maguire. Is Snooki available on the waiver wire?

Survivor Picks - Week Four

Relevant Games:
1:00
Jets at Bills
Lions at Packers
Panthers at Saints

4:15
Colts at Jaguars
Cardinals at Chargers

Week 4 Power Rankings

Stop me if you've heard this before: Ryan Michael Mulhern is 3-0 (on his way to 6-1 (on his way to 7-6)). After a promising start Michael Joseph has begun his tailspin in earnest, and a few weeks earlier than initially projected. One team has weaseled its way to an above-.500 record (Commissionah!). But enough with the facts, let's get on to the fiction. Pulp Fiction, that is.



1. Optimo 55 Souf (3-0; prev: 2)

Let's not start sucking each other's popsicles just yet. We get it. You're excited that Yahoo! gave you so many projected points. But let's establish a very important ground rule, which is that no one else cares about such things. Congratulations on the team though... in a few short weeks, you'll have a quarterback controversy featuring an asshole, a dog killer and a bathroom rapist.

2. $2 six inch (2-1; prev: 4)

Pretty sure this is Adrian Peterson's wallet. May as well be Van Dorn's though, after amassing a 2-1 record despite the second highest points-against.

3. Favre's Flip Flops (2-1; prev: 3)

After two straight wins to open the season, this GM must have been salivating at the sight of one of the lowest scoring teams in the league in Week 3. Unfortunately for Favre's Flip Flops, the Commissionah brought his A-game, and to make matters worse, a Rams victory over the Redskins made Henning the only Week 3 Survivor casualty.

4. WOLFPACK (2-1; prev: 1)

Sunday must have felt something like this for The Joseph:

Van Dorn lighting it up? 

Ray Rice knee boo-boo? 

Jahvid Best toe jam?

Yeeesh.

5. Tom Izzos Fball Camp (1-2; prev: 7)

Congratulations to this owner on both the fantasy win and the pending nuptials! I'm certain that both events provide equal cheer. 

6. Whoopass (2-1; prev: 5)

A Big Kahuna Burger? Mind if I have a bite? 

The league's newcomer suffered his first taste of delicious defeat at the hands of the previously winless Enis Revival.

7. Knight Trimark (2-1; prev: 9)

"[Knight Trimark's running backs] died of dysentary." - Christopher Walken

8. Los Peros Grandes (1-2; prev: 8)

La Pero Pequeno gave the reigning #1 a good run but fell just short. Though he did have a sweet jheri curl in the late seventies.

9. Grenade (1-2; prev: 6)

Can't help but think that Vernon Davis requests this Travolta hairdo each time he goes to the salon.

10.  Curtis Enis Revival (1-2; prev: 12)

Opened up the briefcase and found the team does indeed have a soul... and a little of it dies each time Brett Favre is listed at starter. The QB situation is getting desperate and I'm not above snagging Jimmy Clausen off of free agency.

11. Prone Cobras (0-3; prev: 10)

Bowed and bloodied, but not broken. This GM will hope for its first victory against an injury-depleted WOLFPACK.

12. The IFF (1-2; prev: 11)

Team in crapper. Tough to move a guy down after a loss, but also can't give too much credit for having the good fortune to play one of the two teams which stunk marginally less. But if past performance is any indicator, this GM will have some shrewd moves up his sleeve.

Survivor Picks - Week Three

Szatko's Posthumous Survivor Entry: Tampa Bay Bucs

Week 3 Survivor - Preview

This week's lines, as well as the lovely ladies below, brought to you by Bodog. Picks by Saturday, per usual.

Sunday
Tennessee at NY Giants (-3)
Buffalo at New England (-14.5)
Cleveland at Baltimore (NL)
Pittsburgh (-3) at Tampa Bay
Cincinnati (-3.5) at Carolina
Atlanta at New Orleans (-4)
San Francisco (-3) at Kansas City
Detroit at Minnesota (-11)
Dallas at Houston (-3)
Washington (-4) at St. Louis
Philadelphia (-3) at Jacksonville
Indianapolis (-6) at Denver
San Diego (-6) at Seattle
Oakland at Arizona (-4.5)
NY Jets at Miami (-1.5)

Monday
Green Bay (-3) at Chicago

Week 3 Power Rankings

1. WOLFPACK (2-0; prev: 2) – The only blemish in The Year of Martinez is the poorly timed pick against the Bears in Survivor. Keep that cell phone off. I’m sure the trade vultures are circling after Jahvid Best’s monster day.

2. Optimo 55 Souf (2-0; prev: 1) – Cutler, Vick, and Roethlisberger make up a talented QB core. Shipping one out could make this powerful team even stronger. Arian Foster slowed a little in Week 2, but should be a top 12 back the rest of the way. If MJD gets on track, look out world.

3. Farve's Flip Flops (2-0; prev: 3) – Could be tops in the league if Percy Harvin wasn’t so useless. Reggie Bush’s broken leg should boost Pierre Thomas into elite status.

4. $2 six inch (1-1; prev: 4) – Forte has been fantastic in the receiving game with 3 TDS, if the Bears ever get going on the ground, he could return to 2008 form. Big matchup vs The WOLFPACK could produce a shakeup in the rankings.

5. Whoopass (2-0; prev: 6t) – Missed out on a potentially monster day from Turner with an early injury. Luckily, the Big Dog wasn’t so big of an opponent. Timing is everything.

6. Grenade (1-1; prev: 6t) – With the Martinez Farm System dried up, ITC is looking for new avenues to improve his club. Overtures for Miles Austin and Lesean McCoy were politely declined.

7. Tom Izzo's Fball Camp (0-2; prev: 4) – Once again facing one of the tougher schdules in the league, Jablonski starts out slow. With only average point totals produced, can’t feel too bad. Team may only go far when Chris Johnson and Jamaal Charles break off long runs.

8. Los Peros Grandes (1-1; prev: 8) – One of the most meager point outputs in league history, but he didn’t drop in the ranks. It really speaks to the lack of quality behind him than his own Big Doggedness.

9. Knight Trimark (1-1; prev: 12) – Got out of the basement thanks to a poor effort from my co-scribe. A win is a win, but based on talent, this may be the worst team in the league.

10. Prone Cobras (0-2; prev: 10) – Ryan Mathews leaving early didn’t help his Week 2 cause. Michael Crabtree looking like bust isn’t helping either. Eli getting outdone by big bro was probably the worst.

11. The IFF (0-2; prev: 9) – Joe Flacco sucks. Thanks, had to get that off my chest. Brandon Jackson didn’t help nearly as much as hoped, but Miles Austin and Lesean McCoy look like the real deal. With Moss away from Revis Island, maybe he can break out and lead a Week 3 win.

12. Curtis Enis Revival (0-2; prev: 11) – Maybe the rumored Vincent Jackson to Minnesota trade will lead to a Brett Favre Revival. With Shonn Greene losing value by the second, Zinski needs a little hope from old Gray Beard.

Survivor Picks - Week Two

Week 2 Survivor - Preview

Szatko and Yours Truly bowed out pathetically in Week One. For the ten remaining Survivors, Week 2 games are listed below. A reminder that you cannot pick a team you have already picked.

Sunday
Kansas City at Cleveland (NL)
Buffalo at Green Bay (-14)
Baltimore (-2) at Cincinnati
Pittsburgh at Tennessee (-5.5)
Philadelphia (-6) at Detroit
Chicago at Dallas (-9)
Tampa Bay at Carolina (NL)
Arizona at Atlanta (-7)
Miami at Minnesota (-6)
St. Louis at Oakland (-3.5)
Seattle at Denver (-3.5)
Houston (-3) at Washington
Jacksonville at San Diego (-7)
New England (-3) at NY Jets
NY Giants at Indianapolis (-6)

Monday
New Orleans (-6) at San Francisco

Your updated Survivor Board:

Abstract Power Poll

Work has been rough this week. More creative (and prompt) Power Poll next time. For now...

1. Optimo 55 Souf (1-0; prev: 12) - A typically hot start from Mulberry

2. WOLFPACK (1-0; prev: 1) - On the right track to that elusive playoff berth

3. Farve's Flip Flops (1-0; prev: 2) - On the right track to that elusive playoff berth

4. $2 six inch (0-1; prev: 5) - Despite unfortunate Week 1 matchup, good things to come for this solid team

5. Tom Izzo's Fball Camp (0-1; prev: 4) - Newsflash: Chris Johnson Still Good

6(t). Grenade (1-0; prev: 7), Whoopass (1-0; prev: 10) - Both Crowells put up opening week W's despite mediocre point totals

8. Los Peros Grandes (1-0; prev: 3) - Had the good fortune to play Knight Trimark in Week 1

9. The IFF (0-1; prev: 12) - Would be 12th based purely on Week 1 results, but Brandon Jackson pickup is essentially a free 3rd or 4th round draft pick

10. Prone Cobras (0-1; prev: 9) - Staring at 0-2 withWeek 2 matchup with Optimo 55 Souf

11. Curtis Enis Revival (0-1; prev: 6), 12. Knight Trimark (0-1; prev: 8) - Week 2 matchup between these juggernauts is the fantasy equivalent of Lions vs. Rams. Look for highlights on ESPN8: The Ocho