Week 7 Power Rankings

Playoffs!?!

1. Optimo 55 Souf (6-0-1; prev: 1)
Still the best team in the league; gets a little better with the acquisition of Thomas Jones to beef up the RB/Flex slot. Might wish he had Vick if Captain Rapestand returns to early-season form after his bye week, but Roethlisberger shows minimal signs of rusty trombone... er, rust.

2. $2 six inch (6-1; prev: 2)
About to endure a mother-bye week which might bring about a second loss and provide some breathing room for Optimo at the top of the standings. Is being forced to start something called a Jacob Tamme this week.

3. Whoopass (5-2; prev: 5)
About to embark upon the toughest stretch of any GM's schedule all season: plays teams 1, 4, 5, and 2 on this list in the next four weeks.

4. Tom Izzos Fball Camp (4-3; prev: 4)
There's no "I" in Team, but there's lots of "A's" in Jamaal.

5. WOLFPACK (4-1-2; prev: 3)
Appeared well on his way to 5-1-1, needing only one more inevitable point for the victory, when suddenly, SNAP went Tony Romo's collarbone. Hello, tie! Made two quick trades in the 24 hours after the Monday night game ended. Let us analyze them:

-Trades Thomas Jones to Optimo 55 Souf for Michael Vick
Judgment: Probably a win-win. WOLFPACK needed an every-week QB to replace Romo, and Optimo had one to spare. Only criticism is that WOLFPACK probably could have held out and made the same trade next week; Vick is on a bye this week and Jones would have been useful for one more week.

-Trades Ray Rice, Visanthe Shiancoe, and Anthony Armstrong to Grenade for Cedric Benson, Vernon Davis, and Terrell Owens
Judgment: An upgrade at TE and WR for a modest downgrade at RB, which isn't too bad considering Rice has been inconsistent this year. Good trade for the WOLFPACK. Grenade clearly eyeing 2011 as a comeback year, with Rice a better keeper option than any of the players he sent away.

General Commentary: Two extremely competent trades by the GM derisively (but deservedly) labeled "Millen" for many years. We may have to change the name of this blog.

Apparently you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

6. Favre's Flip Flops (2-3-2; prev: 7)
The beneficiary of Mr. Romo's busted clavicle.

7. Knight Trimark (3-4; prev: 6)
Appeared to have met Optimo 55 Souf at just the right time; Roddy White and Dez Bryant had other ideas. Another trade along the magnitude of Danny Woodhead-for-Heath Miller might help bump this GM into the top half of the ladder.

8. The IFF (2-5; prev: 8)
Considered bumping this former Power Rankings co-author down a peg or two based upon his lacking participation in the blog, but couldn't do it... not because his lacking participation is excusable, but because the next four teams are just SO bad...

9. Los Peros Grandes (3-4; prev: 11)
Not a good team, but somehow sitting a playoff spot with his next two games against teams that are a combined 3-11. Seems likely to weasel his way into the knockout stages only to be cannon fodder for Optimo 55 Souf or $2 six inch.

10. Grenade (2-5; prev: 9)
Still a potential playoff team, but seemed to throw up the white flag for 2010 with the Ray Rice trade. All things considered, not a bad deal if that was the plan: Rodgers and Rice will be a good nucleus for next year.

11. Prone Cobras (1-5-1; prev: 10) & 12. Curtis Enis Revival (1-6; prev: 12)
These two titans of the fantasy gridiron will duke it out for the right to not take up the cellar in next week's power rankings. Oy vey.

Week 6 Power Rankings

I wasn't sure if Bobo was putting these out for this week or not, but I figured it is Wednesday, so I will supply you all with the goodness.


1. Optimo 55 Souf (5-0-1; prev:1) - Week 7 is upon us, we know what happens next. Unlike years past, Mr. Souf's squad looks stronger than normal, but regardless of how good they look on paper, for whatever reason his players like to quit by Week 6. A mother bye week this week makes it easier than should be on his opponent, but at least Optimo gets the byes over all at once.

2. $2 six inch (5-1; prev: 2) - Solid team, and clearly the 2nd best. The only thing bringing Jared down may be the inconsistency of the Bears offense and the uncertainty of Dallas Clark's season. Two very solid wide receivers carry this team.

3. WOLFPACK (4-1-1; prev: 4) - Consider this a distant third. This team is in third by way of a 56 point tie. After Week 2, Mikul has been rather mediocre. Playoffs are almost a definite, but The Joseph may have to revert back to his old ways and pull off a trade in order to be considered a postseason contender.

4. Tom Izzo's Fball Camp (3-3; prev:6) - Izzo has been consistent all year and can thank Jack Del Rio for keeping CJ2K in the game Monday night to pad some stats. Fball camp has the best running back group in the league, but may need to deal for a wide receiver to put him in elite status.

5. Whoopass (4-2; prev: 3) - Got doubled up this past weekend, but Philip Rivers won't have another game that bad all season. The Elder has nice depth at wide receiver and shouldn't have a problem getting to the postseason.

6. Knight Trimark (3-3; prev: 8) - Sir Knight enjoyed seeing D-Bowe's stat line, while Mike Sims-Walker went home with his tail between his legs. Not sure if the past two week's are a fluke or not, but if the stock market bust can get some consistent running back play, the playoffs may be in his future.

7. Favre Flip Flops (2-3-1; prev: 5) - Honestly if it wasn't for injury issues, the dirty texter would be ranked 3rd. On paper, this team has as good a talent as any other team in the league, but chronic injuries have stunted his growth. Tie may help getting into the playoffs, but Flip Flop needs his boys to come to play.

8-11 could really be arranged any way, only 12 has separated himself from his competition.

8. The IFF (2-4; prev: 9) - This team is not threatening at all, but could still end up playoff bound given the mess at the bottom of the standings. McCoy is carrying this team, and maybe the reacquisition of Kevin Kolb will give IFF's situation the charge it needs to make a run.

9. Grenade (2-4; prev: 7) - Hit with maybe the worst Bye week issue in league history, so scoring 58 points cannot really be disrespected. Santonio Holmes gives Grenade a nice boost, but running back issues could be this managers downfall.

10. Prone Cobras (1-4-1; prev: 12) - Mr. Cobra has the best wide receivers in the league, but yet the running backs refuse to collaborate with his wide receivers on a weekly basis. A brutal early season schedule may be the reason for the alarming record, with the competition softening up in the next few week's, Prone could go on a run.

11. Los Peros Grandes (2-4; prev: 10) - Pequeno puppy has played valiantly against the top two teams in the league, but aside from that he has been all bark and no bite. Similar to Cobras, schedule has been rough, but you aren't going to win many games scoring less than 80. Greg Jennings played well, but not as well as Madden Greg Jennings.

12. Curtis Enis Revival (1-5; prev: 11) - An accurate team name. This team is made up of 11 Curtis Enis', and three above average players. At least we have that one glorious victory. If the Revival can't put together a winning streak, he may have to resort to eying that first pick in the '11 Draft.

Week 5 Power Rankings

These lackluster Power Rankings brought to you by Kwik-E-Mart, because I spent approximately 26 seconds coming up with them.

1. Optimo 55 Souf (4-0-1; prev: 1)
Dream of perfect 13-0 season derailed by wily fantasy performance from Henning.

2. $2 six inch (4-1; prev: 2)
Quietly consistent, easily the #1 contender for the top spot.

3. Whoopass (4-1; prev: 4)
Now the league's all-time win percentage leader! (See Right)

4. WOLFPACK (3-1-1; prev: 5)
Back on track, proving once again that a matchup with Los Peros Grandes is the cure for all ailments.

5. Favre's Flip Flops (2-2-1; prev: 3)
Thank you thank you thank you for serving Optimo some humble pie.

6. Tom Izzos Fball Camp (2-3; prev: 6)
Another consistent team, with only one week under 89 points. 


7. Grenade (2-3; prev: 8)
Fantasy loss to his father will surely come up at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

8. Knight Trimark (2-3; prev: 9)
Backhanded compliment of the day: Not quite as terrible as previously thought.

9. The IFF (2-3; prev: 12)
Previously impotent team found new life thanks to new avatar (Cigar Guy!) and, ahem, 38 points from his kicker and defense.

10. Los Peros Grandes (2-3; prev: 7)
Three out of five weeks at 72 or fewer points.

11. Curtis Enis Revival (1-4; prev: 10)
Two straight weeks as the victim of the Toyota Biggest Fantasy Blowout!

12. Prone Cobras (0-4-1; prev: 11)
Only a feeble 56-56 tie in Week 4 keeping this team from perfect imperfection

The Coronation of Survivor Champion Theodore Franklin Van Dorn the Third

NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS (AP)

All hail the king!

A mere five weeks into the NFL season, we already have a Survivor champion. Six other competitors saw their picks crash and burn Sunday, leaving Theodore Franklin Van Dorn the Third as the inaugural "Survivor" champ. Van Dorn, previous fantasy GM of 2008's "PEYTON & PALS", fittingly won the title by successfully forecasting a Colts victory.

"It feels great," Van Dorn said after the last of his competitors bowed out. Van Dorn cited his off-season diet of Baked Tostitos and spoonfuls of high-fructose corn syrup which served to "sharpen [his] mind when [he] tried to pick the games."

Van Dorn conceded that if not for the fantasy league's relaxed stance regarding performance-enhancing drugs, he may have struggled to keep his physique.

Recent fiance Meghan Petterson was pleased to learn of her future husband's Survivor title, and is said to have already made plans for the $200 windfall.

Official Survivor Mother, Patty Van Dorn, was displeased to learn that her son had engaged in betting-related activities but was excited to learn he had won. She then offered sage words of advice regarding what Theodore might do with the winnings: "Just tell my son to behave, okay?"

Here's to you, Theo. Ohhhhh Be-haaaaaaaaave!

The final board:

Survivor Picks - Week Five

Relevant Games:
12:00
Chiefs at Colts
Buccaneers at Bengals

3:15
Titans at Cowboys
Chargers at Raiders

Week 4 Power Rankings

I'll fill in this week since Bobo is still licking his wounds from another lackluster performance. Have you seen this guys running backs? If his running backs were a Hollywood career, they would be the equivalent of a Carrot Top AT&T commercial. If his running backs were a stock they would be Knight Trimark/Knight Capital Group. If his running backs were a movie it would be Corky Romano. Ok, I digress.

1. Optimo 55 Souf (4-0; prev:1). At this point in the season ole Dollars and Cents clearly has the best team in the league. His running backs are bosses and Arian Foster is looking like an early season MVP. Only weak spot might be at tight end. We need injuries to bring this team back to the pack....either injuries or week 7-13 when Mr. Rediculous has gone a combined 0-14 the past two seasons. He won't be doing The Dougie for long.

2. $2 six inch (3-1; prev:2). The $2 whore survived AP's bye week, and when you have a player like him out of the lineup that's all you can ask for. His starting lineup looked rather inept, but he scored just enough to outlast his "competition," for lack of a better word. Running back depth may be a problem down the road if the Bears continue to play keep away from Forte, but AP will more than make up for it.

3. Favre's Flip Flops (2-2; prev:3). This team got rocked by injuries in Week 3, and being forced to start an inactive Andre Johnson ultimately was the difference in losing his second in a row. This team is solid and should continue to push towards that coveted playoff berth for the Fightin' John Kerry's.

4. Whoopass (3-1; prev:6). I'm not really sure what to make of this team, but the record speaks for itself. Maybe dropping Jason Witten wasn't such a bad move after all. If Marques Colston would pull his head out of his ass and Stephen Jackson can avoid the annual injury, I expect to see Mr. Whoopie towards the top half of the standings for most of the year.

5. WOLFPACK (2-1-1; prev: 4). That sound you just heard was The Joseph beginning to freak out about the potential collapse of his team. Things don't look horrible yet, but if nagging injuries to his running backs continue to be an issue, you can all expect The Joseph to work the lines and get some blockbuster trades lined up. And that my friends, is when this league starts to get fun.

6. Tom Izzo's Football Camp (1-3; prev:5). The Football Camp scores a lot of points, but comes up empty. I've got a joke for you: Mike Sims-Walker. Too soon? This squad needs Pruitt to deliver the facilityone.com manila folder to Chris Johnson and his receivers to get them back on track for Izzo.

7. Los Peros Grandes (2-2; prev: 8). Able to manage a 2-2 start with both his starting receivers yet to put together a complete game. The Monday Night performance by Rickie Williams combined with the recent trade of Marshawn Lynch to the Seahawks has to have the Pero feeling like a dog off the leash. I'm sure only Spanish will now be heard this week from 209 Arlington Ave.

8. Grenade (2-2; prev:9). The Grenade Launcher got the victory this week thanks in large(maybe in-all) part to Terrell Owens. He was due for a breakout game and delivered one. The running back position has to be a cause for concern, but this active GM is sure to make a move to improve things shortly. I believe Martinez may have a few missed calls already.

9. Knight Trimark (2-2; prev:7). This team is performing just like the stock itself. Peaking early, and crashing down as soon as it's bought back on that glorious lunch period at NCHS in 1999 . The running back situation is putrid for Sir Knight, and rooting for injuries to other team's starting running backs is not something this GM is proud of. With that said, things could finally pan out with the Michael Bush Experiment.

10. Curtis Enis Revival (1-3; prev:10). Where do we start? This team takes one step forward and two back. He eclipses the 90 point mark this week, but also loses Steve Smith for the near future. Willis McGahee will get the starting nod this week, that is not a typo. The constant Shonn Greene roasting has got to take it's toll on this GM, he may be better off dropping Shonn Greene for Ahman Green.

11. Prone Cobras (0-3-1; prev:11). What looked like a safe and sound victory was snatched away by the former Hoosier, BenJarvisGreenEllis on Monday night. One more yard by a pathetic Ronnie Brown would have given Mr. Cobra his first victory of the year. Injuries and Alex Smith avoiding Michael Crabtree have hurt this team, but things can't get much worse from this point.

12. The IFF (1-3; prev:12). The Pittsburgh Pirates of The Joseph. Bobo may be rethinking his draft strategy....but then again, it may have been worse had Zinski not grabbed Shonn Greene in the first round and Bobo would have been stuck with his useless ass. IFF's running back situation now that McCoy is out is as bad as Cuba Gooding Jr's acting career post Jerry Maguire. Is Snooki available on the waiver wire?

Survivor Picks - Week Four

Relevant Games:
1:00
Jets at Bills
Lions at Packers
Panthers at Saints

4:15
Colts at Jaguars
Cardinals at Chargers

Week 4 Power Rankings

Stop me if you've heard this before: Ryan Michael Mulhern is 3-0 (on his way to 6-1 (on his way to 7-6)). After a promising start Michael Joseph has begun his tailspin in earnest, and a few weeks earlier than initially projected. One team has weaseled its way to an above-.500 record (Commissionah!). But enough with the facts, let's get on to the fiction. Pulp Fiction, that is.



1. Optimo 55 Souf (3-0; prev: 2)

Let's not start sucking each other's popsicles just yet. We get it. You're excited that Yahoo! gave you so many projected points. But let's establish a very important ground rule, which is that no one else cares about such things. Congratulations on the team though... in a few short weeks, you'll have a quarterback controversy featuring an asshole, a dog killer and a bathroom rapist.

2. $2 six inch (2-1; prev: 4)

Pretty sure this is Adrian Peterson's wallet. May as well be Van Dorn's though, after amassing a 2-1 record despite the second highest points-against.

3. Favre's Flip Flops (2-1; prev: 3)

After two straight wins to open the season, this GM must have been salivating at the sight of one of the lowest scoring teams in the league in Week 3. Unfortunately for Favre's Flip Flops, the Commissionah brought his A-game, and to make matters worse, a Rams victory over the Redskins made Henning the only Week 3 Survivor casualty.

4. WOLFPACK (2-1; prev: 1)

Sunday must have felt something like this for The Joseph:

Van Dorn lighting it up? 

Ray Rice knee boo-boo? 

Jahvid Best toe jam?

Yeeesh.

5. Tom Izzos Fball Camp (1-2; prev: 7)

Congratulations to this owner on both the fantasy win and the pending nuptials! I'm certain that both events provide equal cheer. 

6. Whoopass (2-1; prev: 5)

A Big Kahuna Burger? Mind if I have a bite? 

The league's newcomer suffered his first taste of delicious defeat at the hands of the previously winless Enis Revival.

7. Knight Trimark (2-1; prev: 9)

"[Knight Trimark's running backs] died of dysentary." - Christopher Walken

8. Los Peros Grandes (1-2; prev: 8)

La Pero Pequeno gave the reigning #1 a good run but fell just short. Though he did have a sweet jheri curl in the late seventies.

9. Grenade (1-2; prev: 6)

Can't help but think that Vernon Davis requests this Travolta hairdo each time he goes to the salon.

10.  Curtis Enis Revival (1-2; prev: 12)

Opened up the briefcase and found the team does indeed have a soul... and a little of it dies each time Brett Favre is listed at starter. The QB situation is getting desperate and I'm not above snagging Jimmy Clausen off of free agency.

11. Prone Cobras (0-3; prev: 10)

Bowed and bloodied, but not broken. This GM will hope for its first victory against an injury-depleted WOLFPACK.

12. The IFF (1-2; prev: 11)

Team in crapper. Tough to move a guy down after a loss, but also can't give too much credit for having the good fortune to play one of the two teams which stunk marginally less. But if past performance is any indicator, this GM will have some shrewd moves up his sleeve.

Survivor Picks - Week Three

Szatko's Posthumous Survivor Entry: Tampa Bay Bucs

Week 3 Survivor - Preview

This week's lines, as well as the lovely ladies below, brought to you by Bodog. Picks by Saturday, per usual.

Sunday
Tennessee at NY Giants (-3)
Buffalo at New England (-14.5)
Cleveland at Baltimore (NL)
Pittsburgh (-3) at Tampa Bay
Cincinnati (-3.5) at Carolina
Atlanta at New Orleans (-4)
San Francisco (-3) at Kansas City
Detroit at Minnesota (-11)
Dallas at Houston (-3)
Washington (-4) at St. Louis
Philadelphia (-3) at Jacksonville
Indianapolis (-6) at Denver
San Diego (-6) at Seattle
Oakland at Arizona (-4.5)
NY Jets at Miami (-1.5)

Monday
Green Bay (-3) at Chicago